Joined: 03 Oct 2009 Posts: 1787 Location: Bloomington, IL
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender that he wants a beer. The second one tells the bartender that he wants half a beer. The third one tells the bartender that he wants a quarter of a beer.
The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says, "You guys have got to learn your limits".
Joined: 09 Mar 2011 Posts: 7309 Location: Inside the Matrix
An Alien enters the par, pushes his way through legions of mathematicians, and asks for a beer.
"Duh!, can't you read English?" says the barman, pointing to a sign saying "we don't serve no aluns (sic) here".
"What if I buy everyone in the bar a drink, can I have one then?".
The barman, who is greedy as well as bigotted, eyes the seemingly endless number of mathematicians, and decides he is on to a good thing.
"OK" he says, and starts serving up the beers, Alien first. After an appropriately long time he serves what he thought was the last mathematician. He turns to the Alien and says, "OK, now pay up".
The Alien pulls what looks like a small plastic toy out of it's rumple-furl (you though Aliens would have pockets?) and started scanning the room...
Joined: 03 Oct 2009 Posts: 1787 Location: Bloomington, IL
A programmer, facing imminent death from cancer, had himself cryogenically preserved in a desperate hope that he might find a cure in the future.
It seemed, of course, no time at all before he found himself lying in a bed. When he opened his eyes, he saw an androgynous person dressed in bizarre-seeming clothing standing next to him.
"Ah, I am happy to see that you are awake, Mr. Smith -- that is the form of address to which you are accustomed, correct? This is the year which you would call 9985 -- we use a different dating system, of course -- and I have been assigned as your guide to orient you to our society."
That orientation proved extraordinarily difficult, though. Despite the fact that the guide spoke idiomatic 21st-century English, every answer given -- if not totally incomprehensible -- provoked two more questions.
Finally the programmer said, "Look, I'm incredibly grateful that you woke me and cured me...but why? Things have changed so much that I don't think I can understand your society, let alone fit in to it. Why did you bother restoring me?"
The guide had the grace to look embarrassed. "Well, your biography says that you're a COBOL programmer...and Y10K is just around the corner..."
Joined: 09 Mar 2011 Posts: 7309 Location: Inside the Matrix
Quote:
Unfortunately, he hadn't tested it adequately and it submitted 30,000 jobs
Three scientists are fascinated to know how much solid-waste-product-from-eating an elephant can store in its body. So they devised an experiment. They put an enormous cork-on-the-end-of-a-short-rope up the place which the elephant would use for the routine depositing of such solids. They trained a monkey to pull out the cork on a special command. Then they fed the elephant the lushest green-stuffs they could find for a month.
Being diligent scientists, they stood in different places to record the results. The first was 5m away, the second 10m away, and the third 20m away.
The first scientist gave the command to the monkey and then storm of noxious gas and solids erupted. The third scientist found his shoes covered in solids relating to elephant digestion. The second scientist was covered up to his knees. The first scientist seemed to be missing, except for some signs of struggling under a further pile of solid waste. Hastily the other two scientists wade to rescue their colleague and shortly succeed. Their colleague is laughing. He cannot stop laughing. Several hours later he stops, and silence descends.
"Why were you laughing so much?" asked the third scientist.
"Well, you should have seen the monkey trying to get the cork back in!"
Joined: 03 Oct 2009 Posts: 1787 Location: Bloomington, IL
Alexander the poisoner and Ivan the ax murderer are standing outside the Pearly Gates, arguing about their fate in the afterlife. Alexander maintained that cleanliness is next to godliness, and that he therefore wouldn't be punished as heavily as Ivan. Ivan in turn, admitted the splatteriness of his crimes, but insisted that murder was murder, however committed, and that he would not suffer more for having shed blood whilst taking life.
St. Peter appeared at the Gates. "Ivan", he said sternly, you will not inherit the kingdom of Heaven."
"You see?" sneered Alexander. "I told you: messy sins are damning."
"But, Alexander", retorted St. Peter, "so's your neat sin!"
