If you have heard of Confucius, then you probably have heard of Murphy too. This wise old man has something to say about, well almost everything. They can be considered to be laws in those areas of expertise. And you'll be surprised how true they are.
Here are a few things he has to say about computer programs and programmers.
N.B. I have added two of my own wisdom cracks at the bottom. Don't take these personally. Being an Assembler system programmer myself, I could not resist the temptation. I have got a program that randomly throws wisdom at my terminal when prompted with 'TSO MURPHY'. Makes a tough day easy. If anyone needs a copy of this program, let me know.
1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete
2. If a program is useful, it will be changed.
3. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
4. A working program is one that has only unobserved bugs.
5. Any cool program always requires more memory than you have.
6. Disks are always full. It is futile to try to get more disk space. Data expands to fill any void.
7. If a program actually fits in memory and has enough disk space, it is guaranteed to crash.
8. If such a program has not crashed yet, it is waiting for a critical moment before it crashes.
9. Profanity is one language all computer users know.
10. Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.'
11. Old programmers never die - they just abend.
12. The number of bugs always exceeds the number of lines found in a program.
13. Bugs mysteriously appear when you say, "Watch this!"
14. The probability of bugs appearing is directly proportional to the number and importance of people watching.
15. The only program that runs perfectly every time, is a virus
16. When designing a program to handle all possible dumb errors, nature creates a dumber user
17. Real programmers do not document.' Documentation is for simps who can''t read listings or object code.'
18. Real programmers don''t comment their code. If it is hard to write, it should be hard to understand.'
19. Real programmers don''t write COBOL.' COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers.
20. There are no bad COBOL programmers. Only COBOL programmers,